I’ve always loved a good scare, and I’m a huge horror movie fan. From the campy 80’s slashers to the high-brow psychological thrillers, I love them all. 2009’s The Orphanage is a personal favorite, and I have a soft spot for any Friday the 13th movie. I don’t know what it is about that rush of adrenaline you get from a good jump scare, but I can’t get enough.

A fellow dad and I were chatting today about scary movies when we realized how similar horror movie tropes are to our regular lives as parents. In fact, we realized that if our houses were to suddenly become paranormal hotspots, I’m not sure we’d even notice the difference.

All those creepy, unsettling events in horror movies are really just a typical Tuesday for me. Here’s a quick rundown of some examples:

1. Screaming in the Dark

The silence of a dark hallway is suddenly pierced with a blood-curdling shriek. In the movies, this would be played up for maximum fear. In real life, this is just bedtime. At this point, my eardrums are practically calloused by toddlers trying to get my attention. If the sound of a vengeful spirit scares you, just wait until you hear how a toddler reacts when you open their food pouch when they “wanted to do it” themselves. If I hear a shriek in the middle of the night, I’d probably just sigh and ask it to go back to sleep.

2. Unexplained Messes and Mysterious Stains

In horror movies, it’s common for an ill-tempered spirit to knock over furniture or smash plates to terrorize its victims. I’ve also seen where the main character walks out of a kitchen, then immediately walks back in to find every cabinet door open. Characters walk into rooms that have handprint stains all over the walls. Come on, this is just a typical Tuesday when you have kids. Our children are so efficient at destroying our house with sticky handprints and items in disarray, that a poltergeist messing with our stuff might inadvertently improve the space.

3. The Shadowy Figure with Unfinished Business

A creepy figure with glowing eyes lurking in the shadows at the foot of my bed? Please. That’s just what my son looks like when he wakes up in the middle of the night to ask for some crackers and a drink of water. A ghost hiding under the bed or in the closet? My child has been doing that for years. The iconic Frankenstein’s monster, who lurks in the shadows, is destructive, and is afraid of fire? I’m pretty sure that’s just my four-year-old. I’m more likely to tell a menacing shadow they “should have eaten more at dinner” than to feel any sort of fear.

4. Demonic Possession

We’ve all seen the classic demon possession movies where the child’s eyes roll back into their head, they start speaking in this guttural voice, and bending their body in all these weird angles. If that happened to any of our kids, my wife and I wouldn’t be thinking “oh we need an exorcist,” we’d probably just assume they got into the Halloween candy again. A child vomiting up a mysterious green liquid isn’t a spiritual affliction, it’s a symptom of too much Kool-Aid. If our kids got possessed by a demon, we’d probably not call a priest, we’d probably give them a glass of water and put them in a five-minute time out.

5. The Mysterious Doll

A mysterious doll shows up on your bed even after you swore you put it away in a toy box? In the movies, that’s a sure sign of a malevolent presence. In real life, this is just the curse of having kids. Stuffed animals, dolls, and action figures mysteriously travel all over the house. I could put all of them away in the living room, only to find a tea party set up in the master bathroom. I’m so used to it that I’d be unfazed by a haunted doll’s attempts to be spooky. I’d likely just shrug, pick it up, and get on with my day.

6. The Zombie Outbreak

What would be a zombie outbreak in the movies is just a typical flu season for parents. It starts with a single, snot-nosed kid chasing you around, determined to spread the contagion. Just like in a zombie movie, you try to barricade yourself in a room and avoid contact, but it’s futile. Soon, everyone is infected, and you’re the last person standing, left to fend for yourself in a sea of groaning, feverish bodies. But, you might say, “Zombies, like, bite people.” Yeah, toddlers do that too.

The line between a typical kid and a demonic ghoul is so incredibly blurred, I’m convinced that the people who write these movies are just parents writing their autobiographies. At this point, if a ghost ever does appear in our house, I’d actually be a bit relieved to finally have another adult around. It’s not beneath me to ask for its qualifications as a babysitter.